It's hard being a photographer sometimes
you can't show someone a memory
you can't pluck it from your mind
and say "here, this is what I saw today. This is the story I want to share"
and I can't draw
I wish I could
it would be much easier to look at that funny person I saw today
and then draw it later
without them ever knowing I found them so interesting
when you have something pointing directly at them
like a finger
or a gun
when you have to create the thing you want to create
right here
right now
when you have to observe and capture
simultaneously
it can be a little tricky
and people don't like it
and so it turns into a moral battle
between your own desperate unexplainable needs
and the rights of others
no wonder photographers are usually loud
there's a courage there
but we're scared too
but sometimes the fear of knowing that the thing you just saw will never happen again
and that there is no other way for you to capture it again
outweighs the fear of being yelled at
or annoying someone
or having your camera smashed to tiny little pieces
or your face
I guess I could write about it
but it's not the same
and I could sketch it or paint it
but it's not the same
if a painter took a photo instead of painting it
they wouldn't feel it was the same
and sometimes you don't want to take any more pictures
but things are still happening
sometimes you want to just live
because seeing everything through a camera
changes experience
and is draining
so there is a choice also
of when to capture
and when not to capture
because you can't capture life without living
and you can't live without capturing life
it is very difficult
I've always told myself
it's the pictures I didn't get to take
that shape the ones I do
but it still hurts a little
that those photographs will always have to swim around in my head
like a horse I never bet on
or a stove I never switched off
and there will be more
but that's something the photographer just has to leave with though
in a sense it's a life of regret
the regret of not capturing something
the regret of capturing and not experiencing
my camera leads such an interesting life
I wish it's memories were my own
but photography isn't truth
just like painting or drawing
it can't capture everything
and what it does capture is selective and depends on the person taking the picture
just like choosing which pencil to use
or which colour to paint with
a photographer must choose what to capture
what not to
when to take the photo
when not to
how to take the photograph so that what is in my head matches what is on the camera
it's just another tool
like a brush or a pencil or a pen
so that the person behind the tool
can put what is in their head
outside of their head.