The Ribena still sat on the bed side table
of course the Ribena still sat on the bed side table
all of the childhood in me was summed up
in that Ribena sitting on the bed side table
next to the bed
that single bed
too large for the 35 kilo chicken that resided within it
waiting.

When the sagging
milky eyed
lost stares
of the people surrounding me
holding the hands
of the people they used to know
waiting.

The crumpled blankets
holding the immovable poles
too thin to support the life they used to hold
pasty creases
hanging flesh
clinging to those old brittle bones
a small chicken
a bird
waiting.

After The Fact

And the consequences hardly seem to matter
when they're quite good in bed.

I Like The Attention

I love the smell of ashtrays
and wine
stained on my shirt.

Another late night
in another boozed soaked bar
your elbows sticky
from leaning towards
another guy with crooked teeth
who calls himself Lancelot
and who slides another free beer towards you.

The smell of another perfume
You didn't put on
the musky odor
rich and stale
I breath it in and remember
making out
to the sound of people cheering
leering
and pulling up my skirt.

Happy times
I quickly forget. 

And there's nothing wrong with me loving you

You make me feel like loving you is wrong.

When you tell me you love me
the sky falls down
and I stop living
for a little while.

Feed The Cat

Feed the cat

Feed the cat

Why doesn't someone

Feed the cat

Her cries

Her pains

She does insist

Her determined eyes

I can't resist

She hangs

She lingers

Again

Again

A shark

A frenzy

No restrain

Her piercing 

Her longing

My spirit

A hole

She takes my love

I fill her bowl

Her love 

Eats through

Digs at my heart

I want her

I need her

No depart

The essence 

Of love

She mimics 

Repeats

She will leave me

Unless she eats

And eats

And eats

And eats again

This shallow

Old beauty 

My only friend.

I Was Happy With My Time

Time
where did you go?
I wanted you so, so
much.
Time
we were happy
weren't we happy?
Tell me we were happy
I thought we were happy
but you weren't
and now you've moved on
Time
and I miss you
but nothing will ever be the same
again.

I'm not your girl
I'm not made for you
I'm the whore you always wanted
and never wanted
I'm that perfect thing
that never works.

This Happiness Is Uncertain.

The light has changed.
It's changed the mood.
Again.
It reminds me of a time.
It's removed me from my home.
It's as through the walls are asking me to leave.
The floors are telling me to go.
This place.
It has no need for me.
I don't know when I changed.
I don't know when it all changed.
Everything works out in the end.
I spose.

All your feelings look the same.

Personal Jesus

I wanted a personal Jesus
but no one ever cared
I wanted a hand to hold
but no one ever dared

And when I asked if they would die
to save me from myself
they looked quite sad
like I was mad
and asked about my health.

A personal Jesus would be nice
I'd have so much wine to drink
and if I ever hurt myself
they'd heal it pretty quick.

My very own Jesus
shipping free
delivered to my door
my parties would go down a treat
I'd never be a bore.

I'd keep my Jesus in a room
shut off from pain and lies
and if I ever did any wrong
they'd have themselves crucified

so I'd never have to suffer
for all the wrong I've done
and if they died so I could live
I'd get another one.

I don't feel close to you.

I was so excited.
I can't remember why.

Why is he never the one I want?

Unrequited Love is a Bastard

I love you
but you don't love me back
I know this is a clichè
but I don't give a crap.


I'd let you sleep with other chicks
cause I think that's romantic
when you come home and say you love me
and I'm better than any other girl you fancy.


I know I'm not a girly girl
and my hair sometimes looks bad
but I promise if we date
the blowjobs will be the best you ever had.


I'm really weird and strange
and I'm arty and you're not
but I can't see how that matters
when we have the greatest snogs.


I want you
please just give me a chance
take me to a world
where we don't have to wear pants.


If we were together
then I'd do most anything
I'd cut up all your weed for you
so we could share the zing.


I'd never leave you all alone
(unless you wanted to)
and I'd never sleep with anyone else
(unless you were there too).


We'd sit and talk and play and laugh
and be happy all the time
and then I'd do that thing you like
and blow your freaking mind.


Unrequited love is a bastard
and it hurts because I know
we never would have lasted.

It's one of those days
where your life flashes before your eyes
and you wonder why any of it happened at all.

Where did you go?

I don't know what the hell to make
so I didn't make anything. 

It's only when I'm on my own
only on my own
only then
the walls close in
and I don't know why.

The pulchritude of sadness.

I'll Die Before He Goes

She waited.

A year ago
he went to hospital
and a year later
he stayed.

She waits
she visits
but the sigh in her throat
is a pity.

I'm happy
so there's nothing to talk about
and I'm bored.

There's so much to do.

So I didn't do anything.

And nothing changed.

The Curious Nature of Flowers

That flower won't stop staring at me
It's making me uncomfortable
That impersonal gaze
It seems to penetrate me
Question me
Pity me
Looking into my space
And wondering why
But I don't know
So it just floats there
Wide open
Unrelenting
And always judging. 

The fine mixture of romance and desolation. 

I think I lost my respectability around the same time I lost my ability to lie.

Is it wrong to romanticize mental instability? 

Do you feel like God is bearing down on you?

He Told Me

He told me to take notes.
He told me to write it down.
He told me that every day his wife puts the tooth paste on the tooth brush for him.
He told me that's important.
He told me she warms the towel for him when he gets out of the shower.
He asked me if I was writing this down.
He asked me if I had a boyfriend.
He told me that this is all important.
He told me I was giggling too much so I couldn't be writing it down.
He told me that we should have a party.
He told me we should celebrate.
He told me I should jump out of a cake.
He told me I should wear a bikini.
I laughed.
He laughed.
I hung up.

He Said

It's not fair he said as he stood up on the tram
It's not fair I said to myself
As the love of each man
Goes to sick shallow glam
And pure hearts are placed on a shelf

He said some think life's not worth living
I thought that they're probably right
But duty of care
Is for girls with bad hair
And we each have to suffer our blight

We each have a duty of care he said
I wondered if the selfish are right
The schools and their grades
For the young who aren't paid
Keep their future of gloom out of sight.

He said it's not about A to B
It's all about being nice
But the shoes that we keep
Quite snug on our feet
Are remote to the strangers plight

He offered up his seat on the tram for me
He said it's because it's not fair
It was a generous grant
So I ignored his rant
And practiced my far away stare.

she then was filled with a sadness, one she had felt before but had never really stung as much as this.

and then suddenly, everything was just wrong.

Rapture Somebody Else

and we hope those fuckers were right

that there is a God

and he gives us but a few months of bliss

to run  a muck 

of this earth we can now call ours

and we are free

because it is only at the end of all things we are ever free

free of purpose of responsibility and of any sense

because it's all just figured out for us

we can be the pawns we always wanted

and nothing will ever matter or trouble us again

The moods changing again
as we enter through
to another phase of life
just a little bit more detached
from our previous plans and ideas
and the drugs
are becoming ever more present
just a little bit more desperate
and the end of all things
is a little less bleak.

There Ain't No Toothpaste Comin' Out That Tube (country song)

There ain't no toothpaste comin' out that tube
oh there's nothin' left to squeeze or unscrew
I'm sorry but there's nothin' left to do
it's too late but i'll try the shops real soon.

I'm sorry I should have checked up on the date
I could have sworn there was plenty left in the Colgate
and I know things like this make ye quite irate
but its always there
never need to care
till it's just too late.

I saw love in a movie once

And it's because we got lost in feelings we don't have.
We're like androids, devoid of emotion but so desperate to experience it
Souls tortured by the lack of chains
We are empty husks, more in love with ideas than each other
Too high on fictional passions and romantic living to be bothered finding anyone to be passionate about.
What happens when our bodies begin to die,
What happens when we notice,
When the idea and passion for life fades,
Who will we have to share our miseries? 

Why not? Oh, that's why...

We're all a bunch of fuckers in a fucking mess.

Nothing is Never Enough

I don't know. I just don't know. Everybody else seems to know but when I ask them they say no. I wonder if they're lying? I know that seems strange but they always stare knowingly but their sights are out of range. I thought I used to know but now I am uncertain. Now there is just doubt and it's a fucking burden. Knowing that there is knowledge that I will never know is like nothing I can think of but it gets me pretty low. I wish I could think of something, it's on the tip of my tongue but it never really comes out and my head feels really strung, up like a wire stretching till it snaps I can feel it constantly stretching but it can never complete the laps. No, I don't actually know, and I know nobody else does but I wish my head would stop thinking and thinking of everything and nothing but I don't know anything and nothing is never enough. 

POP Meets Manic Depression

Teapots keep falling my head
But that's not the reason why I can't get out of bed
Coffees not for me
Sleeping pills times three
Cause
Everything I know is just falling to pieces
Please just kill meeeee

I wanna die
I wanna die
Oh as long as I keep up this life
I know I can't survive
I've got all my life to live
But I've got no love to give
I can't survive
I wanna die!
Hey! Hey!

The Conflicts of Travel

Home is where the heart is

and my heart is a sailor

A fickle adulterer
it beats to the rhythm of childrens tears

tears at every port.

Hearts that miss
Hearts that wish

To translate truth
we lie

In search of truth
we are blind

Home or away?

There's no 'and' about it.

When I was in Nam...

Back in Nam,
The economy was different
I had money
I was a queen amongst tiny shoe sizes
Back in Nam,
I sat in hotel rooms
sipping at sweetened condensed milk with a little coffee added
for flavour
Sitting in cafes
breaking crossaints
sweating butter
Back in Nam,
I wore cashmere
pure silk
and finely embroided bags
I wasn't a student
I was ma'am
I was the blinding white beacon of beauty
I was a celebrity
Back in Nam,
troubles were a dream I knew I had
but couldn't quite place
days lasted for weeks
and home was breakfast
from 7-10
When I was in Nam,
I had a great time
nothing bad happened at all
and everything was fine.


 

Miss You

I thought I saw you on the tram
I think
I could only see the back of her head but she had a similar haircut to you

Maybe she was prettier

But she sought of was leaning over writing like you do sometimes

I'm not really sure if she was female

I kept glancing back because I really did think it looked alot like you.
Through the crowd of people on the tram who were standing,
there was a little gap where I could watch this person from behind
I felt like walking up and having a strange conversation with them like we normally do
But then something was more interesting outside the window so I forgot about it until now

I wish you were here.

The Dog Of Love

Striving, working so hard to be casual.
What's it like? To be able to say 'I love you' so effortlessly?
To take for granted such a rare and strange gift?
I cannot stand to watch lovers fall apart over such meaningless and pitiful things, how dare they waste what they have?
It is no different than throwing out a full roast in front of starving dogs and then shooing them away, punishing them for coming too near.
I, the dog of love.
Cursed to witness beauty swindle its fortunes.
I'd have preferred to have never been exposed.
The flightless bird cannot miss the sky.
Now I am nothing but loves audience for its puppet show, dangling desire with such majesty so as to only allow me to sit in awe, longing to play a part.
But every show needs its viewer, or then who is there to watch it end and congratulate such a performance?

I wonder who he'll be...?

Night Stands
and
Drawing Boards



Sigh.

Love Me, Fuck Me.

If the person you love is lost to you, then what is the point in anything at all?
Please tell me.
Forget passion,
Forget ambition.
Forget
If they don't love you
Who do you fuck when you're drunk?

How can I be more me?