Love Has Torn Us Apart

I wish I loved you.

It was so nice, perfect even. I can't believe I finally found someone with the same ridiculous thought patterns.
I've learnt so much about happiness and love and loss, I wish I didn't have to learn it with you.
I wish we could have stayed perfect, it disintegrated in front of me like trying to catch a sand sculpture.
I dream about you often, more than I think I've ever dreamt of anyone.
The thing I fear the most is that you'll leave my life forever hating me, not understanding why I didn't want what happened to happen.
I remember when I said "I wish I loved you" it saddened me so much when you asked "clearly you don't, why would you wish for what you don't want?" because it so clearly meant you didn't understand me at all. I don't think my reply was right or interpreted well I said "why does anyone want to get high after a comedown?" or something like that. I was trying to explain that loving you was beautiful and amazing and of course I wish I still loved you because I loved loving you but my feelings were swept out from under me like a magician and a table cloth.
Love to me is an external force, it's not something I can control and it moved on from me and you. Now with some time between us it doesn't make much sense, we were so good together it worked so well but I still don't love you. I miss you so much, I do love you but I don't want to be your partner.
I want you around so desperately, I keep thinking of stories you'd love and how I'd tell them to you, I think a lot about your laugh, your smile...
I've lived most of my life without you but I really am struggling to see a future without you in it. It's going to be so difficult and I don't think I can be the person I was without you. There's a piece of myself I think that I gave you while I loved you and when I had to tell you I didn't love you anymore that piece left with you.
I miss you a lot. I really hope it'll be okay to see you again, to have you in my life. I'll understand why it won't be possible but if there's even a small chance of saving the happiness we created when we were in the same room together I would like to fight for it. This world is so miserable and so many unfortunate things happen, I'd really like to aim for keeping the happiness alive where we can.
If I could I would come back to you, I would be with you if it meant I could have you in my life but I know that's not the solution to any of this, that's not what anyone wants.
I hope you come around, I hope you're not suffering too much, I wish I could help you, I wish I could make you laugh again, I'm so good at making you laugh it's one of my favourite things to do. It's killing me that I've hurt you. It really is.